Journal 1#:

A friend of mine does this on DA, so I thought it might help me, and my friends, understand what’s been going off with me lately. I felt like I should do this to help me unwind and think over some of the things that have happened this week. Overall my mind feels like a messy collection of unwanted thoughts. Sometimes I struggle to talk about my issues, they become bottled up, and then I let all my emotions out in a really bad way.

Yesterday I had one such episode, luckily my romantic partner was there to help me, I feel kind of ashamed of the way I acted, even if it wasn’t my fault. I haven’t been like that in months, I thought I was doing good, but I guess I’m really not as good as I kept telling myself I was.

Recently, a close friend of mine who’s like a sister to me has been on hiatus for nearly three months now, maybe more. When I first heard the news I thought she was going to be back in a month at most, and that she just needed a break from her art and the internet to secure her studies, her job, and her mental health. But she isn’t back yet. I’m worried so much for her, I’m probably gonna send her this in our dms.

I related to her so much, she understood me, and always listened to my problems. Without her as a willing soundboard, I’ve… I’ve done okay so far, but yesterday changed that I guess.

I’m exhausted. I haven’t slept more than 8-10 hours in the last three days, and before that, I hadn’t eaten much at all. I guess I was bound to not be able to hold it in putting that sort of pressure on my body physically and mentally. I’m so tired, and my headaches. At least I’ve had a good lunch, and I’m not hungry anymore. Hopefully, I can get a good night’s sleep tonight, and get my strength up for class tomorrow.

To get to the root of all this, recently I’ve been dealing with someone who I considered a friend making me very uncomfortable, even scared. This has been such a problem that even my partner is worried sick for my safty, and has forced me to take certain security measures. We’re all scared, and it’s a lot to take on board, especially without support from my friend on hiatus.

I’ve also been having issues with my family and the way they treat me. Friends have encouraged me to retaliate, and try to fight back against what has been happening, but I’m scared too. I appreciate their help, but sometimes they don’t realise the complexity of the situation, and what effect and role I have within my family. That doesn’t mean it never gets to me.

In better news, I’ve got predicted grades of 5 for History, and 7-8 for Science! I’m beginning revision over the Easter holidays, and hopefully will be able to slay the finals!

I hope this sheded some light on how I’ve been lately, and any support from friends would be much appreciated. Thank you guys, you’ve helped a lot, hopefully, I’ll be back on track soon!

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